Hello all, and thanks for reading my new blog segment, Druse’s Dimes. These posts are my daily sport satires. They’re meant to be set-ups for jokes, assists if you will, hence the name– Druse’s Dimes.
Guys, let’s talk about Johnny Football, again…
Ahhh, Johnny Manziel. . . The lightning rod of mainstream sports media. Who wouldn’t love this guy’s off-field charisma to go along with the splinters in his ass? I am so jubilant over how often he’s mentioned during my favorite shows on ESPN. Every day, there’s another mention of this guy and whether or not he’s deserving of ANOTHER chance in the NFL. My question is, did he really get a chance to begin with?
It must have been a culture shock for him coming out of College Station. He was the man, the dude, the quintessential Blue Mountain State Mountain Goat. Then, he gets shipped off to Cleveland where he’s going to battle it out with BRIAN HOYER. I’m sorry, if I were in that jam, I would have been sauced 24/7. I can’t make any excuses for the alleged domestic violence issues, that’s just out of line.
Anyway, anyone who didn’t see this coming was way too optimistic about this guy. He dazzled us at the NCAA level, he could dazzle us at the NFL level if he actually was on the field for more than eight seconds, not in a Cleveland Browns uniform. It blows my mind that everyone expected so much from him with this organization. The Browns could finish 7-9 and that would actually be a pretty darn good year for them! How can you expecet anyone to succeed with that sort of losing culture. All Johnny Football does is win: on the field, in the eyes of Heisman voters, and at the beer pong table– but he’s gotta do *insert every cliché imaginable about turning one’s life around*.
I guess I’m just getting sick of hearing the same thing over and over on sports networks about a guy who doesn’t even play. Can we find something else to talk about and finally let the guy try and right the ship?
Disclaimer: This is not any sort of attack on Fanduel as a company, it is strictly satirical in nature. It’s my fault for sucking so hard at daily fantasy.
Fanduel is always lyin’ man. They’re saying I can win some serious cash but I keep getting bagel in these one day games. Part of the problem is that I can’t pick a fantasy lineup for crap, but the other problem is that the so called “experts” can’t even pick a solid lineup for me.
Yesterday, some “genius,” whom shall remain nameless, told me to take this lineup (with their total fantasy points scored):
- TJ McConnell- Philadelphia 76ers (26 points)
- Rajon Rondo- Sacramento Kings (30.2 points)
- CJ McCollum- Portland Trail Blazers (21.6 points)
- Kentavious Caldwell-Pope- Detroit Pistons (26.1 points)
- Danilo Gallinari- Denver Nuggets (14.5 points)
- Paul George- Indiana Pacers (38.3 points)
- Paul Millsap- Atlanta Hawks (42 points)
- Nerlens Noel- Philadelphia 76ers (ZERO POINTS)
- Karl-Anthony Towns- Minnesota Timberwolves (36.9 points)
Now, I don’t know what is the worst part. There’s the fact that I listened to some dope who said taking two members of the 76ers was a good idea. . . or that I actually listened to him, and took the wrong big man on that team because Jahlil Okafor BALLED OUT FOR 43.3 POINTS WHILE NERLENS GOT NOTHING!!! Honestly, I don’t know how I got to this place. I thought I knew something about basketball.
Will this be the end of my daily fantasy agony? Probably not. I’ll put another dollar in tonight or tomorrow to see if I can win that coveted million dollar prize. It sure would be nice to be a millionaire at age 20 and have no student loans, but hey– I’m not that lucky. When will a young, healthy, nearly college-educated, middle-class white kid like me catch a break for once???? I mean COME ON!!!
Jae Crowder’s Shot
Oh man, oh man, oh man. . . . not again.
Jae Crowder has NBA writers and enthusiasts talking over making a rule change to allow this garbage to count as a made basket.
I mean, it’s impressive as hell, but it’s not a field goal. He’s out of bounds, and that shot should only count when he’s trying to win free tater tots for life.
What’s next for the NBA? Sleeved Jerseys? Weak foul calls and no traveling? Oh. . . wait. . .
Allowing this “basket” to count for anything other than entertainment value would be about as solid of a rule change as allowing the basket to be lowered for driveway pickup games. All you’re gonna have is a bunch of 10-year-old bench warmers working on it in practice in the hope that they might get the nod from coach–
“Hey Ralphie, go try that stupid shot from out of bounds, we could really use a spark right now, we’re down by 35.”
No disrespect to Jae Crowder, the dude should obviously be starting at QB for the Patriots with that sort of accuracy. He’s definitely more talented than that Tim Brady or Tom Brudy or whatever his name is.
All I’m saying is, can we just take a chill pill with this immediate need for a rule change anytime anything happens?
Can you name five or more players on the Philadelphia 76ers? That’s what I thought. The ‘6ers have been a rag-tag group of ragamuffins for quite some time, constantly shifting through head coaches and starting lineups.
That all changes this year. With the terrifying frontcourt of Nerlens Noel and rookie Jahlil Okafor, anything is possible. This tandem is looking poised to average a combined 18 points and 14 rebounds per game. Plus, they’ll have the moral support of former number two overall pick Joel Embiid.
I would gladly take Tony Wroten to run my team over Steph Curry or Russell Westbrook any day of the week. Wroten has all of the intangibles, and he has the ability to shoot 10% from the field. I like those odds.
Honestly, I can’t believe people don’t see the potential of this team! They hired Brett Brown as their coach. BRETT BROWN. That’s basically taking hiring one of Phil Jackson’s leg hairs!
The only thing holding this team back from success this year is experience, and that’s only because there is so much of it. There’s a surplus of NBA experience when it comes to the 76ers. The reason I say that is because each season in Philly feels like it takes three times as long! That’s going to pay off for them come playoff time.
Philadelphia went 18-64 last season, and that winning formula just push them into the 8-seed in the East this season. I predict Philly to average 78 points per game and finish with a 20-62 overall record. I definitely don’t envy anyone in that division!
In case you missed it, which I’m sure you did– because who has time for football on a Monday night? The Lions pulled a Lions against Seattle.
In probably the most offensive-centered game of week four, Detroit came up short, losing 13-10 to the Seattle Seahawks. This was probably the most disappointing loss in recent Lions history, since it all came down to how smart Seattle’s Kam Chancellor is. Darn it, if only he REALLY wanted to get paid more and he wouldn’t have been on the field. What a shame.
In the closing minutes of last night’s game, Lions’ wide receiver Calvin Johnson had the ball stripped near the goal line by Chancellor. After the ball went into the endzone, Seahawks’ KJ Wright batted the football out of play to ensure a touchback and regain possession for Seattle. However, if anyone has ever read an NFL rulebook, you’d know that it’s against such rules to do so.
I honestly don’t feel bad for Detroit. Their master plan was executed beautifully. You see, the Lions dropped to 0-4 on the season after last night. But, no one is talking about that. We’re all talking about how they got screwed by the officials. Bravo. I applaud the Detroit Lions organization and Calvin Johnson. He had the presence of mind to throw that ball out of bounds and make it look like it was because of the Seattle defense. It takes a real football player to deliver like that in the clutch.
It will be interesting to see what tricks Detroit will have up their sleeves next week.
In breaking news, two of the best major sports organizations have fired their head coaches for succeeding too much.
The Washington Nationals finished with an 83-79 record and seven games back in the division. After a promising season outlook in April, Williams definitely delivered the collapse all Mets fans hoped for in the second half of the season. If that’s not clutch, I don’t know what is.
Joe Philbin finally gets his first day off in years. I’m so happy for him. He really reached those Miami Dolphins. Philbin said they could go 1-3, and by golly, they made it happen. After taking his team to the promiseland, he’s rewarded with time off to go do Joe Philbin things.
Since both of these men need to provide, I have a proposal for their next career moves. They should team up to coach a Little League squad. They’ll be able to bring in the best young kids to the diamond, with the most fire on and off the field. They’ll be scrappy too, always in each others’ faces, verbally abusive and out of control. There you go, men. There’s the formula to a winning program, now is your chance to go get it.
Kobe Bryant is reborn. The 16-time All-Star and future Hall-of-Famer demonstrated why he’s the Black Mamba this weekend. With an absolutely deadly 12 minute performance, Bryant shot the lights out, hitting one shot on five attempts.
This preseason outing was definitely one to remember. Kobe really showed his skills when he hit the side of the backboard in the first quarter. Let’s just hope the 37-year-old can stay healthy enough to keep this momentum and win the always coveted preseason championship.
The Lakers eventually lost the game 90-71 against the Utah Jazz, but it wasn’t on Kobe. My fake sources indicate that he was heated in the post-game ice bath. It’s no surprise to see this kind of fire from Bryant. The five-time NBA champion does not stand for this kind of mediocrity this early in the preseason.
With Kobe quickly approaching the age of 40, he has to pass the torch to someone. The Lakers drafted D’Angelo Russell No. 2 overall in June, and boy did that pay off. Russell followed in Kobe’s footsteps, tallying five points of his own, shooting 2/8 from the floor.
With this high-powered one-two punch in the Lakers’ backcourt, prepare for a furious preseason finish in Los Angeles.
The Lakers look to avenge their loss against Utah on October 7th.